


The Benefits of Disengaging the External Inertial Dampener from a Northern Californian Perspective, or Lonesome No More!

by katiemariie



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Character of Color, Community: st_xi_kink, Crack, Hand Kink, M/M, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-14
Updated: 2010-08-14
Packaged: 2017-10-11 02:13:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/107231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiemariie/pseuds/katiemariie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sulu, an emotionally uncommunicative mama's boy, decides to get back at the newly single and sexually frustrated Spock for the "external inertial dampener" embarrassment by being a hand!tease. Little does he know that Spock is about to go through "pawn far" and is looking for a "tile-uh." Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Benefits of Disengaging the External Inertial Dampener from a Northern Californian Perspective, or Lonesome No More!

Okay, so, yeah, it's a little humiliating but it saves their asses and about ten thousand Vulcans so Sulu forgives Spock for being a dick and making him look bad in front of Pike. Plus, the guy's planet imploded and that's pretty much a get of a jail free card for life. He forgets about the whole external inertial dampener thing while he's at home with his mama waiting for the Enterprise to be repaired. Apparently, he was the only one to forget. It's some sort of shipwide joke now.

"My tricorder is getting strange readings." "Did you remember to disengage the external inertial dampener?"

"My weave looks hella busted today." "You should try turning off the external inertial dampener next time you get your hair did."

"Chekov keeps mixing up w's and v's." "Maybe his external inertial dampener's still on."

He smiles, "That's real funny guys," but inside he is a bubbling pot of Northern Californian rage just waiting to spill over and scald that smirk right off of Spock's face. Vulcan motherfucker. The worst part is he can't do anything to get back at him. The crew's become incredibly overprotective of Spock. Uhura is still getting death threats after ending their relationship due to "cultural differences" six months ago. A plot forms when Sulu notices how totally and completely sexually frustrated Spock is.

He's going to tease Spock until the Vulcan's dick rots off from priapism.

It's one of the few times that he's grateful his mama watched all those telenovelas in Tagalog when he was a kid. All those hours of watching Vulcans rub hands while reciting cheesy ass dialog gave him the know how to make Spock really and truly suffer.

\--

He doesn't exactly know how he got roped into being the secretary for the party planning committee but he's stuck because no one else on board will take the position and he doesn't want to look like a total douche and leave Uhura and the girls hanging. He doesn't really do much besides go to the meetings and hit "record." That is, until Andrea from Engineering and Tori from cartography get married. They want an Asian fusion style wedding despite the fact that Andrea is from La Paz and Tori is a kiwi. Suddenly, he's the fucking resident party planning expert. No, never serve sweet food with sticky rice. No, MSG won't kill all of the guests. No, I don't think setting off authentic black powder fireworks is a good idea. Yes, origami cranes are traditional. Yes, I know how to make them. No, I don't have carpal tunnel, why do you ask?

In the great expanse of the universe, one thousand is a tiny number... that is, until one has to fold one thousand paper cranes in the space of two Terran weeks.

He's at it constantly. In the rec deck, in the mess hall, in the botany bay, on the bridge...

His hands are flying and Spock is just staring like he's doing Uhura's famous fan dance. Fold. Crease. Flip. Fold. Crease. Flip. He's never considered it to be erotic before—mostly because it's something he usually does with Gramma Sulu—but he can see the appeal now. He adds a little jaunt, a little flourish, a little rhythm. He does all the work with his thumbs and index fingers while his other fingers fan out like the feathers on a peacock. When he licks his fingers in order to get a better grip on the paper, he swears he can hear Spock's breath hitch.

\--

"One two three four. I declare a thumb war."

"Fiwe six sewen eight. Try to keep your fingers straight."

"Oh, yeah, you almost got me pinned, Pavel."

"You better vatch out. Thumb wrestling vas inwented in Russia."

"Yeah, you're good. So good."

"I vas ze best at ze academy."

"Your grip is so tight."

"I hawe wery strong hands."

"I bet your right hand's a lot stronger than your left."

"Yes. I mean, I do not know. I newer noticed."

"Your hand is so small, so nubile. Like it came out of a Caravaggio painting."

"Carawaggio? From Moscow, da?"

"Yeah."

"My hand is getting sveaty."

"Mine too. Pretty soon our hands'll just be slipping and sliding against each other."

"Damn iy."

"One two three fourfivesixseveneightnineten."

"You vin. Giwe me my thumb back."

"No, not until you beg."

"Ow, you're pressing wery hard."

"Say it."

"Newer."

"Say it."

"Owww. Fine. Uncle."

It is only after Pavel starts sucking on his sore thumb that Spock says, "Captain, I will be in the lab." And by "the lab" he means "my bunk."

\--

"Mr. Spock."

"Mr. Sulu."

"Do you mind if I join you?"

"No."

"Thanks. Mmm. This ice cream is so good."

"That is a most peculiar color. I have never seen blue ice cream before."

"It's not very common. I'm surprised the replicator could make it." Not really, because he programmed it last night. "It's Superman flavor. I used to have it a lot when I was little."

"Interesting." Spock goes back to his PADD.

If that's how things are gonna be then fine. He can play dirty. "Oooh. It's dripping on my hands. It's so cold."

Spock's head pops back up.

Sulu sucks the ice cream off his index finger letting out a shameless moan. "So good." He uses his tongue to knock the scoop of ice cream off the cone and onto the table. "Oh." He picks up the ice cream like it was a baseball and places it back on the cone. He wipes the melted ice cream on his hand off with a languid swipe of tongue from his wrist to the tip of his fingers.

"I'll see you on the bridge." He walks out the mess hall and you can't bet your sweet ass Spock's watching his.

Admittedly, it's a little obvious but Sulu's not exactly a master of stealth (no matter how many fucking time the Captain calls him his "little ninja"). He does have to give himself a little credit for looking up the color of Vulcan semen.

\--

Okay, shore leave on New Vulcan. Who the fuck came up with that idea? Seriously, that's like throwing Chekov a bar mitzvah on Ekos, that stupid Nazi planet. New Vulcan has all but banned fun. No booze. No women. No men. Yet, peculiarly enough, incredibly high taxes on chocolate. What the hell is that about? So, he's not all that choked up when he gets put on special assignment as Spock's bodyguard. (Which is fucking fishy because Spock is the last person on the Enterprise who needs a bodyguard. But he gets to carry his katana around for two weeks so he's not complaining.)

He's not stupid enough to try to tease Spock on New Vulcan. He doesn't want the entire planet to think he's some kind of hand slut. His mama raised him better than that. And Spock's acting increasingly agro and snappish which makes Sulu think he was assigned to protect the world from Spock and not the other way around.

Spock stays in his room the first two days but on the third is dragged out kicking and screaming—or, rather, glaring and twitching—by his dad and some hella old dude.

"Father, I do not need a Ho-Nigh-Uh-Coon." That's what it sounded like he said but Sulu barely passed Intro to Xenolinguistics.

"Your time is coming and you do not have a tile-uh. This is for your own benefit. Now, get dressed."

"I am dressed."

And then there's a twenty minute argument about how Spock needs to make a good first impression on his future tile-uh and would he stop acting like a petulant child and put on more formal attire. Sulu swears Spock's about ten seconds away from threatening to hold his breath until he gets his way when the old guy suggests a compromise. Both Sulu and Spock will wear their dress uniforms. With IDIC.

They get to the Ho-Nigh-Uh-Coon and it looks like a jumble of every cotillion or quince Sulu's ever been to. Except without the dancing and the overly made up madrinas. Oh, wait, there goes T'Pau. Never mind. He stands next to Spock and his dad on a dais at the back of the room where Spock greets each guest like Prince Fucking Charming from an old Disney movie. And Sulu just stands there like the ethnic comic relief planting the seeds of prejudice in the impressionable minds of America's youth and being ignored by the Vulcans.

It goes like this for about two hours: all the young Vulcans in the kingdom introduce themselves to Spock, Spock stares at them, says either "whirl-uh" or "rye" or just flat out Standard "no," and the suitors go off to the buffet table.

Finally, one of the Vulcans has a mama who taught them some fucking manners and he actually acknowledges Sulu's presence.

"Hello, I am Stonn."

"Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu."

"Lieutenant, I have heard tales of your bravery fighting the Romulans. The Vulcan race owes you a great debt of gratitude."

Stonn outstretches his hand and Sulu shakes it without thinking. Stonn's fingers rub his wrist and his grip is too tight and Sulu realizes what the fuck he just did in front of a few hundred Vulcans and dear god don't let his mama hear about this please sweet mercy. Sulu tries to get his hand back but Stonn won't let go. He's five seconds away from yelling "hand rape!" when Spock straight up bitch slaps Stonn.

Spock is just fucking whaling on Stonn yelling "tree-sack-tour" and "sue-lack" and "poncho-moron" and "lunatic traffic!" Then old auntie T'Pau comes back from powdering her nose and yells, "Crikey!" Spock jumps off of Stonn, who yells, "Poor shin sir at!" Sarek steps forward to make some sort of announcement but Sulu doesn't know what about because he's being carried over Spock's shoulder into the next room which looks like suspiciously similar to an Amish honeymoon suite. Spock drops him onto the king sized bed and starts pacing.

"Thanks for, uh, defending my honor. I think I can go back to the party. Stonn's probably gone by now."

"Do not speak his name."

"Stonn's? Fine, sure. No more, um, him. I'm just gonna go. Maybe get an amuse bouche or something." He moves to get up but Spock throws himself on top of him. "Hi."

"Why do you tempt me?" he asks, grinding his hips.

"What? You mean, the hand thing? I wasn't. Well, I was. I was just being a tease."

"Why?" Spock growls.

"I don't know. I just did it to get back at you for the thing you said about the external inertial dampener before the whole Narada thing. I wasn't doing it because I like it or I..." Jerk off to the memory of how turned on you look when I tease you? Seriously consider the possibility of Vulcan jizz tasting like Superman ice cream? Stole one of your shirts from the recycler and sleep with it under my pillow? Named one of my plants after you? Wanted to punch the captain after you mind melded with him on a mission? "I really should be mature than this."

"Your immaturity has forced my hand, as you would say."

"I don't say that. I don't think I've ever said that." There's a part of him that's twelve years old yelling, "We belong together because both make petty arguments over semantics at inappropriate times! Maybe we can practice our smug expressions together instead of in front of the mirror!"

"Your continued 'teasing' has caused me to choose you to be my tile-uh. You must suffer through pawn far with me every seven years."

"Shit! What's pawn far?"

"Seven days of intense sexual activity." Another grinding of the hip.

"How-how is that a bad thing?"

"The relationship of tile-uh is monogamous. Neither of us can have romantic relationships with others."

To the giggling twelve year old part of Sulu translates that to "Hikaru and Spock forever!" with a little heart drawn around it. Eighteen year old Sulu thinks, "I'm gonna get laid consistently!" Grown up Sulu says, "Yeah. I think I can handle that. I mean, whatever."

"We will have a permanent telepathic link. If we wish, we could speak to each other entirely in our minds."

"Okay, now that's just fucking cool."

Spock looks at him skeptically. "You do not object to the bond?"

"No. Not at all."

"This is most curious." Spock rolls of him and starts pacing again. Sulu whines from the lost of contact. "You appear to possess some secret affection toward me yet you have never made it evident until now."

"Well, I'm not exactly the most communicative guy on the Enterprise. I can do small talk but feelings and girly shit like that kind of elude me."

"I have noticed your stoicism."

"You have? I mean," he coughs, "you have."

"That is why I was so... startled when you began making lewd hand displays." For a moment, Sulu's blood deprived brain pictures a department store window showcasing this year's collection of severed hands. "It was quite out of character. You are normally so calm, reasonable, and competent." Could someone please tell Sulu why that made shivers run up and down his spine? "Yet your hands are so wanton and agile."

There's a red alert going off in Sulu's brain right now because he has an epic, summer-between-eighth-and-ninth-grade boner and Spock's halfway across the room rhapsodizing about his hands and his emotional fuckwittage. The blocking of this scene just is not working out for him. "Spock, we should..." Shit. Talking about wants and desires and ugh no won't do it I am manly. He stands up and starts to take his clothes off. Best case scenario: Spock takes a hint and joins him. Worst case scenario: Spock runs out of the room in disgust and Sulu jerks off alone with slightly misty eyes which would not be a new experience.

His hands are on his zipper but Spock's suddenly standing next to him pushing his hands away and growling, "Mine."

"My hands or my dick?"

"Both."

"Cool."

"Sex."

"Good."

"Now."

And this is how it's good: all monosyllables and getting naked. Spock tears their dress uniforms to tatters which they frankly deserved for being so bygone ugly. The pair stand stock still for a moment and look at the other's naked form.

"Green?"

"Blood."

"Neat."

"Hands." Sulu holds his hands out and Spock takes them in his own, moaning quietly as their fingers brush. "Meld?"

"Yeah." He closes his eyes readying himself for what? He doesn't know. Spock's shaky hand is splayed across his face and there's no more Hikaru Sulu and Spock What's-His-Name just one joint entity. He never knew how lonely he makes himself until that moment. And Spock, too. They've formed some new creature made of electricity that never has to be alone because it can't reach out without losing face.

And then he's back on the bed in Spock's arms wondering if every day can be like that. The Vulcan holds his face tenderly and kisses him. Hikaru takes Spock's hand and rubs their index and middle fingers together while his left hand snakes between their bodies and grabs Spock's aching member.

Causing Spock to come.

His mouth says, "Fine." His dick says, No, it's not fine!

But Vulcans apparently have magic penises that stay hard after orgasm. Spock quirks an eyebrow and says, "Top."

"Lube?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"Here." He points to his dick which is secreting a viscous liquid.

"How?"

"Desert."

"Go."

Spock lies on top of Sulu who wraps his legs around the other's waist and tries to nudge him forward with his heels but the Vulcan won't budge. He lines himself up carefully—scientifically--over Sulu's entrance and presses in. Once fully sheathed, he shudders and comes again. Sulu groans in sincere disappointment when Spock pulls out and gasps when he thrusts back in.

"There?"

"Left." Spock changes his course and hits the target. "There!"

Spock fucking smirks and starts thrusting at the pace of a twentieth century construction device known as a jackhammer, groaning "tile-uh" every other grind. He can't believe he's saying this but, "Spock. Slow. Down. Not. A. Race." Spock's face shifts to that of a sad, Vulcan puppy dog but the pace improves so Sulu isn't too remorseful. "Touch. Me." Spock's hand reaches for his but Sulu pushes it downward where it strokes to a brutal beat. Ever the quick study, Spock's finally fucking got it and performs admirably getting Sulu off with a muttered, "Fucking god," which Spock takes to mean that he is now some sort of Venus figure in Sulu's mind.

Spock comes—Sulu's hand to god—three more times while Sulu lays there in a post-orgasmic fugue state mumbling the names of every county in California in no particular order. He's at Tuolumne when Spock rolls off and gathers him in his arms. T'Pau, Sarek, and Old Vulcan barge into the room at Sonoma and Sulu's a little too thoroughly fucked to care about three of the most important living Vulcans seeing him naked and covered in blue semen

"Was the tell-tour successful?" T'Pau asks.

"Yes."

"Amador. Marin. Calaveras. Sacramento. Humboldt. Yolo."

"He appears to be experiencing psychological trauma from the meld. Does he require a healer?" Sarek asks which causes Spock to tighten his grip on Sulu.

"That will not be necessary. In my timeline, Sulu was known to recite official state flowers post-coitus."

\--

Over the course of the next seven days, Sulu lists the names of every California governor, state park, state university, senator, and Sacramento Kings point-guard. He's halfway through the denizens of Sacramento's Old City Cemetery when the fog of pawn far lifts.

"Crocker-- shit! We got Vulcan married! My mama's gonna kill me!"

"Yes. If you desire to break the bond, we can visit a healer immediately."

"No! We just won't tell her!"

"I understand."

"You do? Good."

"We need not tell anyone on the Enterprise either."

"What? Why? None of them are going to kill me for not letting them plan the wedding." Well, Uhura might. And Pavel will probably be devastated over not being his best man.

"I do not understand."

"After my cousin Olive eloped in Reno, my mama told me she would murder me if I ever ran off and got married and that's not an idle human threat. She's serious. I took a trip to Vegas once and she packed a picture of herself holding a knife in my suitcase."

"You are not ashamed?"

"A little. I just broke my mama's heart."

"Are you ashamed of me?"

"No. No. Not of you." He takes Spock's hand in his own. "When we go back to San Francisco for shore leave in a few months, I want you to meet my family. You just have to say that we're engaged. Because my mother will hunt you down and slaughter you like an animal for stealing her only son. And you can try and do the neck pinch thing but that won't knock her out. She's like a Gorn."

"I would never attempt to nerve pinch your mother."

"You say that now but wait until she starts calling you every day. 'Oh, Sfock, you are so skinny. Does the reflicator work on that hunk op metal?' 'Why aren't you captain yet? You're the best science oppicer in the pleet. You should have your own ship by now.'"

He thinks he may have succeeded in amusing Spock but the Vulcan looks more stoic than ever. His dark, human eyes stare off into space and Sulu's too young and too proud to comfort him and he's a fucking failure as a husband. //What's wrong?// He doesn't even know what he's done until Spock turns and looks at him. //Tell me, please.//

//Your mother sounds like my mother.//

And then it's not words between them but images. Spock's memory of Amanda appraising him before his meeting with the Council in exchange for Sulu's conjured scene of his mama hugging Spock and stuffing food in his mouth. T'Pau meets Auntie Gabby and they share make-up tips. Dad explains basketball to Sarek while they watch the Kings beat the Lakers. Gramma Sulu and Grandpa Spock fold paper cranes and talk about the galaxy's finest teas.

//Grandpa Spock?//

//The old guy.//

//He is my counterpart from Nero's universe.//

//And he just hangs out at your house?//

//No. He was only present to aid my father during my first pon farr. He feared I would become violent.//

//Why? You're only violent when someone talks smack about Amanda. Who doesn't get hyphy when someone talks shit about their mama?//

//During his first pon farr, he smashed his computer and threw a bowl of soup at Nurse Chapel. Later, he hijacked the Enterprise.//

//I did some crazy stuff during puberty but I never stole a Starship.//

//Another example of Vulcan superiority.//

\--

The next four days are spent hovercraft-racing, fucking, and learning rudimentary Vulcan.

"T'hy'la."

"Tile-uh."

"T'hy'la."

"Tyler."

"T'hy'la."

"Tie-la."

"T'hy'la."

"T'hy'la."

"Yes."

"T'hy'la. T'hy'la. T'hy'la."

Which invariably leads to more fucking.

//T'hy'la! T'hy'la! T'hy'la! Holy fuck, T'hy'la!//

And, conversely, learning Bay Area slang.

"Hyphy."

"Hyphy."

"Adjective. Hyperactive or agitated. Noun. A musical and cultural movement from the early twenty first century. Compare to crunk. Stunna shades."

"Stunner shades."

"Stunna shades."

"Stunna shades."

"Noun. Wide, bug eyed sunglasses typically made of plastic. To go eighteen dummy."

"To go eighteen dummy."

"Verb. To act or dance in an overstated, fast paced, and ridiculous manner."

\--

He doesn't want to go back to the Enterprise. He misses his ship and his plants (if Keenser let them die, he will kill the bastard) but right now he wants to hang out on New Vulcan with Spock. And, truth be told, he's afraid things will go back to the way they were before with Spock never touching him and Sulu doing shadow puppets on the bridge to piss him off.

As soon as they're beamed aboard, Spock rushes him to the med bay for an exam despite his protests.

//I don't need a doctor.//

//You experienced an unusual amount of physical and psychological stress during my Time.//

"Fine. But you have to let M'Benga check you over. I don't want your junk falling off."

//You said that aloud.//

//Crap. Those ensigns looked freaked. Should I say something?//

//What exactly would you say to explain that statement?//

//Good point.//

\--

Spock is seen first by M'Benga who runs a tricorder over him and starts giggling like a schoolgirl.

"What the hell's so funny?" McCoy asks coming out of his office.

"Nothing." M'Benga pulls himself back together

"Sulu, what are you in for?"

"Just a check up. I think I mighta pulled a leg muscle exercising."

Which starts M'Benga's giggles again. Spock gives him a stern look. "I'm sorry. Inside joke. With someone else. Who's not here. It's funny if you know the story behind it. Really."

"You're down on the Vulcan colony for two days and you're as nutty as a fruit cake. Get behind the curtain, Lieutenant. Undress. I'll be in in a minute."

//Anger. Mad.//

//Don't get like this.//

"Leonard, I don't think that's a good idea."

"You know what, Geoff? I'm getting a little sick of you telling me what to do. This is my med bay and I'll examine patients how I want to. I don't care if you learned medicine from Surak himself."

//Rage. Get away.//

//He's just trying to do his job.//

"I know. I'm not trying to. Perhaps you should just do the exam with his clothes on."

"Oh, hell. I'm the CMO. I'll tell Sulu to get naked whenever I want."

//Rage. Stab. Kill. Protect t'hy'la.//

//He doesn't mean it like that. You don't need to protect me from anything.//

"What if Mr. Spock did the exam?"

"Are you out of your Vulcan obsessed mind? He's a scientist, not a doctor. He's got no business with Sulu's body."

//Mine. Mine. Mine.//

//I'm yours and you're mine. Calm the fuck down.//

"Leonard, I can't tell you why due to doctor patient confidentiality and a vow made to the VSA but what you're doing right now might lead to your death."

"What? Is Sulu's Philipino mama gonna kill me for seeing her baby naked? Jesus Christ, I don't know why you people are so afraid of her. For all I care, you can tell Mama Sulu that I've stolen her son's virtue and whisked him away to Risa for a shotgun wedding."

Sulu blinks and Spock's pinned McCoy to the floor by his neck.

//Tal-shaya. Tal-shaya. Tal-shaya.//

//Spock! Stop it! He doesn't deserve that.//

//Slow death better. Strangle.//

"Get off of me, you Vulcan son-of-a-bitch," McCoy squeaks.

"I don't think insulting his late mother is a good idea right now," M'Benga says rifling through drawers for a hypo strong enough to knock out a Vulcan just out of pon farr.

"Kroykah!" Sulu shouts, doing his best T'Pau voice.

Spock releases McCoy and wraps his arms around Sulu.

"What the hell is wrong with you, you green blooded bastard? You coulda killed me! I'll have you thrown in the brig for that!"

"Actually, he's on medical leave. Confined to his quarters with Mr. Sulu until I say so."

"What? You can't do that!"

"I can and I just did."

"I don't know what the hell's going on here but when I found out I'm having you all committed!"

\--

By the time M'Benga has escorted them to Spock's cabin, the Vulcan's conscience appears to have caught up to him. "Doctor, if you could carry a hypospray of a Vulcan sedative on your person for the next month, I would be most obliged."

"I should have grabbed one as soon as took your readings. I've only treated pon farr once and that was with a much older man who was already bonded. When do you anticipate being able to return to active duty?"

"I do not know. I need to meditate."

"Yes, of course. Here," he takes a medical tricorder and dermal regenerator out of his back and hands them to Spock. "I trust you know how to use those. Enter three-alpha-zed for Vulcan hybrids and six-theta-omicron for humans. I want scans every three hours for you and once a day for Sulu. I've gone ahead and changed the code for medical override into both of your quarters. McCoy can huff and puff but he won't blow your house down. ...And I think that's it. Mazel tov."

\--

Spock meditates while Sulu monitors the security video feed of his greenhouse. His babies are fine but they look a little lonely. Keenser refuses to talk to Sulu's plants because he claims his orchids will get jealous. Sulu minimizes the window and opens up a message to his mama.

"Querida Mama,

How are you? Did you decide to take that class at the Y? How is dad? How are the cats?

I'm doing good. My Andorian lily is starting to bloom. I just got back from shore leave on New Vulcan. There wasn't a a lot to do but the desert flora was really interesting. I went on a kind of date with Spock, our first officer. I had fun but I'm not sure if he did. We're supposed to have dinner together tomorrow. I'll tell you how that goes.

Love,  
Hikaru"

As he hits send, someone knocks on the door. "Spock! Open the door! That's an order!" the captain yells from the hallway. Spock doesn't budge from his spot on the floor. "Spock! Don't think I won't use my override code!"

"Should I get it?"

Spock shakes his head.

"Fuck! Why isn't my code working? Did you do this?"

Spock calmly walks to the door. "Captain, if you read Dr. M'Benga's orders, you would know that I am confined to my quarters and unable to have visitors."

"You better have a scorching case of Cardassian herpes!"

\--

When M'Benga clears them for active duty later in the week, they decide to go to the bridge twenty minutes early so they wouldn't be bombarded by questions as soon as they walk in the door. Unfortunately, news that they were coming back spread quickly and the alpha shift crew was already there along with Scotty, McCoy, Rand, Chapel, Keenser, and some red shirt Sulu has never met before.

//We are greatly outnumbered.//

"Hi... everyone."

"Sulu," Kirk starts. "Would you mind telling me what the fuck is going on?"

"No, I don't mind."

"Would you?"

"Spock and I got married on New Vulcan."

"What?" says everyone on the bridge except for Keenser who, as usual, says nothing and Uhura, who Sulu believes has never been surprised by anything in her life.

"Your muzzer is goingk to kill you!" Pavel cries.

"Are you married married or aliens made us do it married?" Scotty asks. "Because I've experienced the latter several times and let me tell you it's harder to get those things annulled than you think. Technically, I'm still married to my purple thermos."

"We're not getting it annulled."

"So, you just went down to Vulcan, fell in love, got married, and beamed back on board?" Chapel asks.

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Are you out of your Asian mind?" McCoy yells.

"And since when has Spock been gay?" Kirk asks.

"Since six months ago," Uhura mutters.

"Vhy didn't you inwite us?"

"It was... um... a private ceremony."

"You guys did some weird Vulcan mind sex thing, didn't you?"

"Doctor, would you please refrain from asking my bondmate about our sex life?"

"That would be a yes, then," Kirk surmises.

"Well," the red shirt says, "I'm happy for you."

"Shut up, Ricky," McCoy snaps. "No one's paying you to talk."

"I still don't understand how you eloping on shore leave explains why Spock tried to kill McCoy and got locked in his quarters for three days," Kirk says.

//You wanna handle this one?//

"The doctor said things about Lt. Sulu that led me to defend his honor. I will admit I was... emotionally compromised."

"Awwww, Sulu," Rand squees. "You made him emotionally compromised."

Scotty makes his oh-shit-I'm-the-most-experienced-officer-in-the-room-I-have-to-fix-this face and says, "I think a wedding reception's in order. BYOB. Potluck thing."

"I'll send a sign up sheet around and I swear to god, if you all bring chips like last time, I will kill you," Uhura threatens.

"How hard is it to replicate an entree? Seriously, people!" Rand squeaks.

"I guess we should probably do some actual work now," Kirk sighs.

Scotty, Keenser, and a very dejected looking Ensign Ricky head down to Engineering while McCoy and Chapel make their way to the med bay.

//That went significantly better than expected. I thought Ensign Chekov would cry.//

//He will later in his cabin. He stopped crying on the bridge months ago.//

\--

"All right. I'm gonna do a toast. Be quiet. Captain's talking. Shut up!"

Keenser whistles loudly silencing the room.

"Thank you. I'm gonna try to make this quick because I think most of us are more than just a little drunk and there's about five other people going after me. The first time I met Spock, I was on trial for changing the parameters--"

"Cheating!" someone yells out.

"--of the Kobayashi Maru. My first thought was, 'Wow. What an uptight bastard.' And as I got to know Spock, I realized my initial assessment was true. Spock is uptight, overly serious, stiff, emotionally stunted, smug--"

//Is it an Earth custom to insult the person one is toasting?//

//Sort of but it's usually funnier than this.//

"--arrogant, and self-important. But he's also unfailingly kind, compassionate, understanding, tolerant, wise, witty, and loyal. There isn't a man, woman, or non-gender binary conforming alien on this ship who I'd rather have at my back in a fire fight. It is an honor and a privilege having you as my first officer. And I'm proud to say that, Spock, I am and always shall be your friend. I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if you won't admit to experiencing it. Sulu, you couldn't have married a fucking classier guy."

The room fills with applause as Kirk sits back down. Uhura pushes a nervous Pavel forward. "Hi. No one vanted to go after ze keptin so they made me go. Um... ze first time I met Hikaru Sulu, he forgot to disengage ze external inertial dampener." He pauses for laughter. Sulu flips him off. "And then a little later he wolunteered to do a space jump onto the Narada's drill where he took out two Romulans, sawed ze keptin's life, and disengaged ze drill. Vhen I vas assigned to ze Enterprise, I vas wery nerwous because I'm so much younger than everyone else--"

"You don't have to rub it in!" Chapel yells.

"--and maybe you hawe not noticed but my Standard accent is not wery good. Hikaru newer made fun of me and ewen helped me learned how to say my authorization code. 'Nine-five-Vvvvictor-Vvvvictor- two.' Ve qvickly became friends and now I consider Hikaru to be my brozzer and Mr. Spock, if you hurt him, I vill kill you. I vill go to your quarters and stab you until you die. Am not joking. I vill kill you. I do not care about conseqvences. Murder vas inwented--" Uhura drags him out of the rec hall as he shouts, "IN RUSSIA!"

Scotty steps forward clapping. "Pavel Chekov, everyone! Enterprise's resident boy genius. I dinnae have anything written down so I'll just wing it, I guess. A long time ago, I was at a party I probably shouldnae have been at considerin' I was a TA and it was a cadet party. It's a Saturday night so I'm piss drunk--so drunk that I cannae find my way home. Luckily for me, there's a scrawny Vulcan kid-- about seven feet tall and seven stone—hanging around the edges of the party who offers to help me home if I let him sleep on my couch. He lives at the house where the party's at and he cannae fall asleep with all of the noise havin' those sensitive ears. We roam the streets of San Francisco until I finally remember my flat number. He carries me up the stairs and tucks me into bed. When I wake up the next day, he's gone and my normally messy flat is spotless. All of the dishes are clean, my clothes are folded, and you can actually see through the windows. Now, I was so thoroughly sloshed that I barely remember how I got home. All I can recall is a little bloke with pointy ears. I come to the conclusion—and mind you I'm still a little pissed at this point—that, in the night, I was visited by an elf who cleaned my house like the Shoemaker and the Elves. And I went on believin' that until I saw Mr. Spock on the bridge tryin' to strangle the capt'n. Spock, thank you for helpin' me home and for cleanin' my flat. Sulu, I'm sorry if I may have drunkenly fondled your husband whilst wanderin' the streets of San Francisco. I promise to never do it again."

Uhura, having escorted a red faced Pavel back to the party, stands up to say her peace. "So, I'm not going to talk about Spock because that might be a little awkward but I do have my top five favorite Hikaru Sulu stories. Number five. Sulu gets infected with polywater and runs around the ship shirtless waving his sword. He chases Captain Kirk into the cargo bay and is knighted by 'Captain' Kevin Riley. Number four. Sulu's prized Deltan Daffodil dies. Sulu doesn't talk to anyone for three days. Number three. Sulu beams down to the planet Ekos with me and Chekov. Within minutes, we are captured and put into a concentration camp. Sulu uses a rebar as a sword and leads us to freedom. We beam back up and have to explain the concept of intra-species racism to Mr. Spock who still doesn't get it, bless his heart. Number two. Sulu's mom somehow hails the Enterprise and yells at the Captain for twenty minutes because he isn't taking care of her baby. Number one. Sulu forgets to disengage the external inertial dampener making us a few minutes late to our meeting with the Narada, saving the Enterprise, ten thousand Vulcans, and the planet Earth. To Sulu and Spock."

"To Sulu and Spock!" the room echoes before dissolving into a dull roar of chatter.

McCoy staggers over and wraps an arm around Spock's shoulders. He slurs, "You're a real bastard, ya know that?" plants a wet smooch on the Vulcan's lips, and stumbles toward the keg.

Spock wipes his mouth with a napkin. //Of the many mysteries in the universe, Leonard McCoy is one I will never solve.//

Seeing the state of drunken debauchery around her—seriously, Geoff, Chris, that table isn't meant to hold two people—Janice Rand decides that it's time to wrap this mother up. "Alright, guys. Grab your sweetheart. Last dance of the evening." She presses play on the one song that through the centuries has signaled the end of a dance.

"Is that Stairway tae Heaven? I haven't heard that in years!" Scotty shouts taking Uhura's hand and leading her onto the dance floor.

Geoffrey and Christine stop making out long enough to make it to the dance floor where they continue to make out while swaying slowly.

"Yeoman... Janice... if you vould not be too bozzered... I mean, to say zat maybe... if you are not busy..."

"Pavel, I'd love to dance."

"It's okay, buddy," Kirks says, rubbing McCoy's back as the doctor vomits into a potted plant.

Sulu doesn't think Spock would ever want to dance so he takes his hand. //Do you wanna get out of here?//

//Yes.//

They duck out without anyone seeing them leave, heading for Spock's—their quarters. They're about twenty feet from the rec hall door when Spock stops.

//What's wrong? Did you forget something?//

He turns to Sulu. "Would you like to dance?"

"Here?"

"Yes."

"Sure." He's guessing that Spock never went to his eighth grade dance--if Vulcan even had dances or, the eighth grade for that matter—so he takes the lead, placing Spock's hand on the small of his back and taking his other hand in his own causing the Vulcan to shudder. Sulu wraps his free arm around Spock's neck, pulling him in close. Cheek to cheek, they sway in time to the music. //Dancing is most illogical, Mr. Spock.//

//I disagree. It is a logical step in the attainment of a long-term goal.//

//And what goal would that be?//

//Ensuring the happiness of my t'hy'la.//

He's no telepath but Sulu tries to push everything he feels for Spock through their fledgling bond: respect, admiration, fondness, tender regard, arousal, love... The last one shocks Sulu who never thought he could give enough of himself to someone else for love to form but here he is, in the hallway, soul bonded to a man he'll spend the rest of his life with.

Spock pushes back with his own emotions—human emotions weaker than the primal Vulcan ones Sulu felt in the med bay and during pon farr but so much more significant. They are almost identical to Sulu's but are tinged with a sense of rightness as if Spock knows that these are the appropriate things to feel.

Sulu pulls away and looks into Spock's eyes. This is the moment to man the fuck up and express himself like a mature adult. "I..." he clears his throat. "I love you."

The corners of Spock's mouth turn up slightly—an expression which Sulu now knows is the Vulcan equivalent of grinning like an idiot. "And I love you."

Sulu leans in and whispers in Spock's sensitive ear, "We are going to have so much sex tonight."

They sway a little closer and, over Spock's shoulder, Sulu can see Keenser exit the rec hall carrying an orchid covered in vomit. They lock eyes and Keenser gives him an approving thumbs up which Sulu returns before the alien crawls into an air duct.

Led Zeppelin starts to rock and in a couple minutes Sulu knows that a few hundred people will be coming out the rec hall door so he projects an image of himself eating Superman ice cream off his t'hy'la's body. Spock throws a laughing Sulu over his shoulder and runs to the turbolift.

**Author's Note:**

> Sulu to Vulcan Dictionary  
> tile-uh = t'hy'la = soulmate; lover  
> Ho-Nigh-Uh-Coon = hohnaya + koon = gathering + wedding descriptor  
> whirl-uh = worla = never; not ever; on no occasion; at no time; not at all; in no way; absolutely not  
> rye = rai = no  
> tree-sack-tour = tresahk-tor = to rip into pieces  
> sue-lack = su'lak = third party who trivializes a romance  
> poncho-moron = ponfo mirann = expletive  
> lunatic traffic = lunikkh ta'vik = poisoner of wells, an old Vulcan invective  
> Crikey = kroykah = stop immediately  
> Poor shin sir at = pro shinsarat = you're out of your mind  
> pawn far = pon farr = the greatest gift ever given to fandom


End file.
